Joanna's Wallet

Grasped by soft warm hands that feel like home,
parted
I am placed on top of cold red metal.
My skin tightens as I quench for last breathes of air.
Alone
I sit feeling the breeze
crash
slowly over me.
My inner cards and faces begin to
freeze
from the rushing speed of polluted oxygen.
Where am I?
I gaze upon light after light
feeling myself
slipping.
My skin clings to the cold iron begging it to save me,
but there is no reply- I hear only my echo.
I turn
left...
left again...
forward...
forward....
I go
red
plasters my flesh

Faster
Faster
Faster I go
I turn left with green tattooing me for a second,
two seconds,
three seconds...

I stop. Wait hold on don't fall...
Where am I?

Turning right...
The movement pulses and springs me
slightly
forward

I stop again.
Waiting,
Listening,

I hear yelling voices
begging voices,
into the night air.

Back up
Move forward,
Turn right

Stop.

Slowing down, down.
Now,

left?

I say these commands but I am not the commander...

I am slipping sliding
falling
fast
to
KISS
the rough lips now embracing me.

So much colder, but not moving as before.

I wait.
I wait.
I wait.

I wonder still,
Where am I?

I wait.
I wait.
I wait...

Impatiently I grow with my waiting pushing the very young ambitions
dreamt of not so long ago...

Yellow milky light
washes over me
in my darkened world of now
so familiar;
an unquestionable
cold embrace,
to which I yearn for a gentle
warmth so familiar.

I am squeezed and lifted.

I am placed comfortably
back in my womb.

2/9/2003

Moonlight
reminds me,

Smells of smoke
sounds of rock-n-roll
the taste of coffee
the warmth of my pillow
a candle glistening bright
in the cold lonely night
reminds me

Watching a movie we saw
together
Hearing couples talk about love
being forever
Clothes I wear and
touching my hair
Reminds me

Waking up from a dream
of you
Looking around and seeing
no one here
Reminds me

A day,
an hour,
a week,
a car,
a truck,
a black leather coat...
The smell of that leather
Reminds me

A road,
a store,
a restaurant
or more...
thoughts keep pouring in
my head of only you.

The way I felt,
the way I still feel.
Being with someone new;
being with friends or family.
Reminds me.

My damn pillow,
a towel
a dish,
my continuous wish
my forever hope
my infinite love
God in Heaven above...
Reminds me.

Silence alone in my room.

When I clean,
when I sing,
when I go out or stay in
Oh hell
any to everything
Reminds me.

Why can't time erase?
Why can't I just replace?
Why can't I just see you again
face to face?

I LOVE YOU!

I love you,
I swore to you I do.
You love me too...
You said you always do.

Those words I heard keep
echoing in my soul.
Hope for us

Faith I do trust
I do keep believing.
You keep lying and deceiving.
Why do I feel you are still so near?

We let pain and pride
guide our fear.

That sound...
That song...
Reminds me

Numbers,
dates,
times,

morning, noon, night...
Lunch, supper, my name...
dinner
Reminds me

When is the amnesia
going to set in?

A new love?
Can that be the slam to my head and heart
That will forever keep us apart?

Love is forever when it is true,
Is what I have now really the ghost of you?

Remind me.

No Title

No Title
October 2003

Cut your losses now
Don't look back how?
On those memories and heartfelt pain
that will always sustain to remain.

Deep down within my hungering brain
sins that will not leave a exterior stain.

My mom would say I am lacking sleep,
my heart is aching,
and
I am gonna weep.

I am outside smoking a cigarette
Trying so hard to forget my regret.

Tomorrow's a new day,
just rest...
keep on tryin'

Leave your heart on your sleeve
and
forget that it's dying.

These are My Words to an Alcoholic

These are My Words to an Alcoholic
October 2003

I don't know who you
really are...
But because I am me
I see you from a far.

Your presence strong with
consistent fear.
You laugh, you joke,
you smile,
but
inside yourself
I see
tears.

So instead of reaching for your
potential might.

SLAM 'EM back,
GRAB the rails,
FUCK us all...

AND

DIE than without a

FIGHT!

One Pack, One Life

11/26/2003

Life a cigarette
lit with a flame,
sucked down a puff at a time.
Ciders burning causing
smoke to fill the room.
The sweet stench of tobacco,
one inch of filter
keeping out the chemicals soaking into
my lungs.
Tastes so sweet,
the hidden buzz
of every inhale.
Why so addicting?
One stick of three minute joy.
How does it capture memories?
Past
Present
Future
episodes of
smoke...
enjoyed with in a red cherry.
Exhaling used oxygen and
delicious seconds of existence.
Cravings of pictures lost...
butts thrown down
upon relentless intoxicating.
Packs of sticks representing
times of happiness,
sadness,
and
pain.
Dragging into my body
trying to kill
the orange
before understanding
the feeling is mutual
with us both.
My Camels cling to my lips
in a sweet bond of friendship.
How is the tie so strong on one side more
than the other?
Stop.
Look around
at the stubs
covering
my
place.
As much as they comfort...
I cause this pile up.
My lighter has run out...
Shit.
Should I refill it?

Who else will?

Sadness

12/8/2005 1:45 a.m.

I can't sleep.
The sadness is making me weep.
My father so strong
is now so weak.
He's dying before my eyes.
His pain, his tears
are no longer a disguise.
He needs us all right now.
We are as strong as him but
we sometimes don't know how.
Why is this happening so fast?
How long will this agony last?
Even when he is gone can we all survive?
Without the rock, my dad
who has kept us all to live and strive.

He Sometimes...

She is so scared to let him in,
He sometimes just gets under her skin.
She is baring his child through a passionate night,
He sometimes just closes up at the smell of a fight.

She is not understanding the feelings he shows,
He sometimes stays too solid and sometimes he glows.
She would love to love him more and more each day,
Yet, he sometimes won't open the door or invite her to stay.

They are two of a kind who have been burnt in the past,
If they sometimes disagree,
Why does he believe it won't last?